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If I only (sktch)

Teasing you on Tuesday again...

Okay, I'm going to try and get back on my Tuesday/Thursday posting schedule again, guys. So, here's my teaser. This is from GOLDEN. The rewritten version. It's a flashback "oh dread," but I enjoyed writing it and rolling the ideas and images over in my head. I'm not sure this will make it into the final draft, but here it is none the less. :)


The memory surfaces, brought on by my thoughts of the darkness. That very first one, that first glimpse of my future. The way the streetlights flickered on the dagger in my fist, the smell of blood, thick and copper in the air, the taste of that first hollow-meal of sin that sinks into your gut after taking a life.

Marec took me out that night, later than usual. I'd gone out on a job with him before, several times; I'd seen him kill. But this night, this full-moon night, I would be the hand of death.

Twelve years old. A little rat of a thing, all stringy hair and stringy limbs, I looked to my mentor like he was the god of all I saw. He had saved my life. He had handed me a chance to prove my worth. I wasn't going to let him down because I was afraid.

So I followed, pretending it didn't terrify me to sneak into a quite hole, to slip into the window like a thief, and stand over a man and woman as they slept.

Marec held out his hand for me to wait beside my snoring mark; he motioned for me to hold my dagger hovering over the throat as he snuck to the side of the woman--he said he'd do that part of the task for me because, "A girl should never kill one of her own sex." I think he just knew I couldn't have done it that first night; since then it hasn't been an issue.

The shadows hid her face--I was very thankful for that. Marec slid his two daggers from their sheath, one in each hand, and with one swift motion, swiped at the sides of her neck. No build-up, no ceremony. Just silent and quick.

A dark halo grew around her head. She never even opened her eyes. And her husband lay asleep beside her, unaware his wife had just slipped away, her blood reaching out to him, pooling beneath his hand.

Marec was behind me before I could find breath again. He took my dagger hand in his own and pressed the blade to the man's throat. My heart thudded so hard I was sure it could be heard through the whole building like a drum. But everything was still, everything was peaceful on the outside.

The sharp edge of my blade scratched at the beard stubble below the jaw. The man's eyes flew open, hands reaching out to stop what was already inevitable.

With what seemed like a hundred pounds of pressure and a sharp jerk of the dagger, skin gave way, muscle parted, and blood, black in the moonlight, poured over my knuckles, Marec's knuckles, sticky and warm, more and more with each weakening beat of the heart. A heart gone silent. A heart I stopped with my own hand.

I stood there too long, looking at the open eyes--I shouldn't have looked into the eyes. But Marec never warned me how much you could see in them. Terror. Accusation. Damnation.

Later, they stared back at me every time I tried to sleep. Still now, four years later, I feel them, even with the Pink thick in my head. Who knows what will be surfacing when I don't have access to the drug anymore.

I learned later that the man's name was Ben. He and his wife had sold their children to the Court. They'd done the one, unthinkable thing. No one knows what the Court does with the children they take--some believe they're eaten as a delicacy--unlikely, but whatever it is, it can't be good. None of the young ones are ever seen again.

Ben and his wife gave their flesh and their humanity to the highest bidder. They deserved to die. But the knowledge doesn't make the flash of memory--the damnation in those eyes--any less vivid.

I stare into the dark room around me and try to bring myself back to now. I'm not used to this stillness, the quiet. Too much time to think. To remember. I just want to get this mess over with--whatever it all means.


And here's my vid for the day. :) Yes, I'm going to be doing that again, too. And you thought you'd gotten rid of me. This is a stunnly beautiful song, Johnny Cash's version only that much more so. And it goes well with Areana's journey. Happy listening. :) Ta!

PS: If you're perhaps wondering where I've been, you can check out my last post. :)


Wow! This is so dark - I love it. I enjoyed the imagery as well, like the streetlights on the knife, the protagonist as a stringy little kid, how the blood is black in the moonlight. I can see why the protagonist is taking drugs!

Parametric @ AbsoluteWrite
LOVE LOVE LOVE. (As usual. :D) Keep up the good work!!!



TFK is the bomb diggedy!!!! I lurv their new album sooooo much!
oops, that was me :P


Whoa, eerie to the max. Love your writing style. Your very good with the dark descriptions. Will be looking for more in the future. :)


Biggest fan! lol

I am now officially your biggest fan!!! Woah! Awesome read. Sucked me right in. Totally sucked me right in!


This was definitely something different (good different). Interesting, can't wait to read more!

- S and S
Very awesome!! Love this.
Thanks! :)


This captivated me right away. Me wants some more!

btw this is bclement412 from AW :)


wonderful writing! Vivid, gripping.